Monday, May 11, 2015

Thoughts: Ten things I learned working in an adult store. (NSFW)

    Ooh la la, just the words "adult industry" bring up imagery of scantily clad, bodacious babes frolicking about with super-endowed men, baby oil, and cheesy soundtracks, but is it nearly as glamorous as it seems?

     Well, kinda.

1.  Retail is retail. While it's perhaps a bit more amusing in the day to day drudgery for your shops goods to primarily revolve around squishy bits and titillating imagery but at the end of the day it's still all about one thing; SALES. Surprise, surprise.

2.  Rule 34 is very real.

Case in point.

3. Prank calls are definitely a bit more common at the adult shop than they were selling women's fashions. Surprisingly (or not), strippers don't tend to react well when you ask them if they'll crush blueberries with their lady parts into your gaping pie hole. Prank callers seemed to have a strange fixation with spiked or barbed toys…perhaps the idea that anyone would sell a potentially dangerous genital-geared implement holds a special kind of humorous potential. Speaking of...

4. Some toys require special handling and can even be outright dangerous. Injuries happen in the bedroom all the time during normal vanilla sexcapades, but bring in an electrically charged metal rod and things can get a wee bit more risky…especially if you have a pacemaker. One benefit to shopping in a store, as opposed to online, is that the employees should be trained in safe usage and handling of whatever potential hazards float your boat. 

vampire gloves. prickly.

5. Most "kinks" aren't nearly as unusual as you might think. Got a thing for girls with tails? Got'cha covered. Tentacles? Sure thing, cap'n. Into plugging up your poopshoot with astoundingly spherical objects of enormous girth? Also got that one covered. Want your girlfriend to dress up like a sexy Ninja Turtle? To your left. Want lube that looks like blood? Shelf over there. You get the idea. Chances are, given the existence of Rule 34, if it revs your engine it probably revs someone else's too, and you can find it at a well-supplied shop.

6. Lube can be used to tame fly-aways. 
That's right. Lube. For your HAIR. If you use a SMALL amount it works just like a glossing product…too much and you'll look like a total grease ball who smells like lube. Silicone or oil based lubes are the ideal choice in this matter. I would consider this an "in case of emergency" measure, because why waste your expensive lube when you could just use a little coconut oil? 

The more you know.

7. Speaking of lube, it is NOT a grab and go product! As simple a thing as it seems there are actually quite a wide array of formulations, base components and uses. Some are supplemented with special herbs or additives to increase or decrease sensation, others are anti-aging, etc. There are silicone, oil, water, and gel based lubes as well as endless variations of those and not all formulas will play well with your toys. Silicone based lubes should NOT be used with silicone based toys. Seriously. Just DON'T DO IT. Silicone bonds to silicone, which means that over time your toy and lube will become one funky, nasty, unhygienic slab of grossness like a Brundlefly for your privies. Read here and here for more information. Do your research or ask your sales associate, they're there to help. If they suck ass at doing their job, tell their manager and/or write about it on Yelp. The right lube is out there for you. Don't be afraid to check out the samples and see which formulas feel best on your skin and will fit your needs. 

8. Health nut? Don't fret your pretty little head, there's still lots of fun stuff for you! Whether you're vegan, avoidant of artificial coloring or flavors, or wary of the chemicals used to produce some of the cheaper mass marketed stuff, there are products to suit your needs and lifestyle. 

9. Female porn stars are generally VERY petite. As you can see in the image of me & Jesse Jane, she's a tiny little thing. Adorable and sweet, too, for the record. I'm about 5'10" tall and even in her towering heels she never quite reached my chin (to be fair, it could also have something to do with the fact that I'm a skosh tall). There's a reason for the preference towards petite pretties; smaller women tend to make the men look…ah...bigger. Adds to the fantasy, I suppose. The average female porn star is only 5'5", which is actually a couple inches taller than I would have guessed. If you're curious about the porn star demographic and random facts/statistics about performers, this website has an informative article on the matter. 

10. You really can't judge a book by it's cover. I mean, this should be totally obvious by now, but it holds especially true when your customers are trusting you to help supply products for a very intimate aspect of their lives. Sweet old Freddie and Myrna could have one helluva a dungeon in their basement for all you know (and I only know because I sold it to them).

    When all is said and done, it was an entertaining diversion from the world of career drawing. Sex is a natural and healthy thing for humans to engage in and should be treated as such. It is neither scary, yucky or weird and everyone has their own tastes, which is none of your business so long as the antics involve consenting adults. It's up to each individual to decide what works best for them. The more awareness and information you bring to the table, the better equipped you are to find your own happy niche in the melange of human sexualities and experiences out there.  

No comments:

Post a Comment